Ho Ho Ho

On a beautiful Tuesday, a week before Christmas, I sat at my desk thinking of all of the things I’ve given and received for Christmas over the years. Then my thoughts were interrupted when my secretary announced that my next appointment had arrived.

Waiting in my reception area was a normal looking fellow we shall call “Bob.” He seemed normal, but I’m used to my clients “seeming” normal at first. Once back in my office, Bob began giving me the run down. It seems that he and his wife had been on the outs for years, but over the past few months things had gone from bad to worse. The two were still living together for the sake of the children. They wanted to maintain appearances for their 12-year-old daughter, Anna, and 5-year-old son, Tim. So they lived under the same roof and shared bills, but slept in separate rooms.

Bob stated that over the last few months his wife had become very spiteful. In the past, she had been distant or cool, but over time she became downright frozen. The only heat between them was the spiteful barbs she threw his way when she wasn’t ignoring him. She made little comments to the children that were aimed at making him look bad. She would hide or move things and then pretend that she did not know what had happened. But the worst thing was the Victoria’s Secret credit card she opened. What use could she have for lingerie?

The answer was painfully obvious to me before Bob could even choke it out. His wife was having an affair. Bob did some sleuthing and found out that she was regularly seeing a co-worker. Bob confronted her and she admitted to the affair. The discussion turned into an argument and Bob left the house, a scant week before Christmas morning. During the argument, she told him that he would not be seeing his kids on Christmas morning this year and he was not to come to the house or she would call the police. Things had gone from bad to worse, but Bob was about to go nuclear.

Bob informed me that he wanted to get a divorce. I explained how things work most of the time in divorces, specifically in those with children and adultery. I could tell that I lost his attention fairly quickly. Eventually, I wound down and in an effort to get the blank stare off his face I asked Bob if he had any questions. He shook his head and said “just one.” I waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts and then he said “You mentioned that you have to give her notice of the divorce?” I nodded. “And that can be done using a private process server?” again I nodded. “And I pay for that? And I can tell them when to do it? And they’ll do it at our house?” Looking like a bobble head, I continued to nod. I could feel that he was formulating a plan, but other than repeating what I had already told him I couldn’t see where this was going.

Bob leaned back in his chair and with a truly evil smile slowly spreading across his face, he said “Fine. Here is what we are going to do. File the paperwork and have her served. But I don’t want her served until next Wednesday morning. And I want the process server to wear a Santa suit when he comes to the door.” I must have had a confused look on my face because his smile broke into an unholy grin as he explained “That’s Christmas morning and she’ll have the kids. I’d like Santa to deliver a special present just for her. I’ll pay extra if he’ll yell HO HO HO at her!”
And Tiny Tim said “God Bless us, each and every one!”